The "Day After" Myth

We've all seen the part in the movie where the new husband and wife wake up the morning after the wedding.  It goes something like this:

There's a knock at the door.  Room service enters with a beautiful spread of food complete with the bride's favorite egg white omelet, whole grain toast, and a mimosa.  The bride, still in her lingerie from the night before looking beautifully disheveled in the sexy/groggy state says  "Honey, there's someone at the door.  Could you go answer it?"

"Sure baby!" the groom says.  After a moment, in comes the drop-dead gorgeous groom in a black robe with his hair perfectly in place.  "Wow!  Room service?  Did you order this?  And my favorite omelet!  You are amazing, honey!"  She leans over and kisses him lightly which inevitably leads to their 3rd time "doing it" since they arrived last night.  Two hours later they are sitting at the table having their wonderful (cold) breakfast.  He says to his new bride, "I'll clean up, honey.  You go get ready.  We have to leave for the airport in an hour.  Tahiti is waiting for us" he says as he continues to kiss her.  She gets ready and they are off to the airport leaving for their fabulous honeymoon.

What really happens the "day after"...

You wake up in a very normal fashion.  You're a bit groggy and your hair is everywhere.  You may or may not have makeup on but if you do, it's the typical "morning makeup" look that is less than flattering.  You glance over your shoulder to find your new groom!!  You're happy inside because finally you are waking up in the same bed together.  You smile at the thought that you'll get to have this moment every day for the rest of your life!  Excited, you get turned around in the covers to move closer to your new hubby when you notice (for the first time) that he has drool on his pillow!  Ew.  Not only that but he doesn't look quite the same as he did the night before when you arrived at your honeymoon suite.  And he smells...like a boy who's been sleeping for 8 hours.  And speaking of the honeymoon suite, where's the room service with your favorite omelet?  Wasn't he supposed to have ordered it and had it waiting for you by now?  And what about him being showered and smelling good for you?  After all, that's what it was like in the movies and no one had ever told you that it would be anything less than bliss that morning after.  According to the media and Hollywood, you should be having sex for the 3rd time right now because you just simply can't get enough of each other.  A little discouraged but still hopeful, you get up and go to the bathroom and stumble across your image in the mirror.  Whoa.  Hair.  Yikes.  And is that mascara in the corners of your eyes?  Not cute.  You start thinking back on all the "morning after" scenes you've seen where she looks "beautifully disheveled" with her perfect, makeup free, glowing face and all of a sudden, you feel...not normal.  You don't feel like that beautiful bride you were just hours ago.

Eventually your groom wakes up, goes to the bathroom (and stinks it up so that you have to turn on the fan).  Of course you're happy to see him though.  You give him kisses.  He smiles at you and calls you "Mrs."  You love the way it sounds :)  But as you are powdering your face you realize "Shouldn't I be wanting to have sex right now?  Everyone kept telling me how I wouldn't want to leave our honeymoon suite for days, that I wouldn't see the light of day for a week and that I'd never need clothes", while standing in the hotel robe.

You go on about your business and you enjoy his companionship through the day but something seems a little "off".  You aren't used to waking up to this person.  You aren't used to sharing a bed with someone who drools and snores.  You aren't used to getting ready in front of him.  You weren't expecting him to stink up the bathroom!  That never happened in the movies.  And what do you do now, anyway?  What is expected of you?  You realize you're feeling a little awkward.

Ladies, here's the truth.  You feel (or felt) awkward because this is all new!  Until that morning, you had been planning your wedding day for months and months.  You labored over every detail.  The schedule, the flowers, the dress, the music, the photography, the guest list, the food.  Everything was planned and then executed.  It was all you could really think about from the moment he asked you to marry him to the moment you arrived in your honeymoon suite.  You hadn't really thought about "the day after" other than what you'd seen or heard on TV or in the magazines about the feelings you'd have and the activities you'd be participating in.  

How do you go from being your most beautiful, most happy, most BUSY, most high on emotions, most romantic, most excited you've been in your life to a regular Sunday afternoon where the people walking down the street have no idea that you got married yesterday!?  Everyone's life is continuing as usual today, but yours is not.  You are adjusting to one of the biggest changes you'll ever go through in your life.  And on your first day on the job as wife, you're confused.  Because what if you aren't like all the movies you've seen?  What if you don't have the urge to have sex every 5 minutes?  What if your hair is out of control and you have a zit?  What if you feel...let down?  Well, if you feel like that, you are more normal than you know.  And it's O. K.  You're making an adjustment.   All of the things that were so foreign to you the day after your wedding will become the norm in a few weeks.  And here's the secret:  That new norm becomes the most comfortable, loving, safe, romantic aspect of your life.  From now on, that drooling, snoring husband will be your anchor.  Your rock.  Life will change and evolve around the two of you.  You'll go through so many seasons and ups and downs.  But you'll do it together.  And he'll still be the one you wake up to, stinky bathroom and all!!  He's not going to judge your morning hair like the pretentious actor in that movie would.  You don't have to be perfect for him.  You can just be you.  And he can just be him.  That is the real essence of what happened on your wedding day.  So, reflect back on the man that stood up and pledged his life and love to you at the alter.  That is the same man that you woke up to the morning after.  And the days ahead of you will bring many ordinary days and a few extraordinary days.  So jump in!  Enjoy and relax the day after and realize that this is the first day of your new norm. 

Disclaimer:  The issues I discuss in this blog are not the same for everyone.  Some people's experiences are very different than what I will illustrate here.  I'm addressing these issues in general terms based on experiences I've had and that the many women in my life have had.  It has become clear to me that there are many myths out there and that women would be able to enjoy their wedding day and marriage a lot more if they had a more accurate picture painted for them before going into it so that they would know what to expect.

They Kept Telling Me... Part 2

The Walk Down The Aisle...

Finally, the moment I had been waiting for.  The moment I had planned for.  The moment I had specifically chosen Shove Chapel and it's 110' aisle for.  My walk down that long, dimly lit, impossibly gorgeous aisle where, at the end, I'd find my perfect prince charming, David, waiting for me.  But there was one problem.  The aisle runner was getting caught on the amazingly lush, poofy, satin aisle treatments!  As I gripped my dad's arm waiting for the grand build-up in the music that I'd planned out perfectly to enter to, I realized that my poor cousin, Jon, was only half way down the aisle with the runner.  "Oh no!" I said out loud to my dad and wedding coordinator.  "I'm going to miss the moment! He's not going to be done in time!"  Frantic, the wheels in my head began to churn as I tried to figure out a way (short of me physically going out there myself to drag the runner the rest of the way) to get help to him.  I quickly (and hopefully quietly) knocked on the stained glass windows of the church to get the attention of the ushers who were waiting on the other side to open the doors.  Tucker turned to me and I motioned him over to Jon to help with the runner.  He smoothly walked over and grabbed one of the tassels and the two of them quickly finished unraveling the 110' piece of custom fabric.  In the midst of this, my dad whispered to me, "It'll be okay, Ash.  Just calm down", to which I answered "no dad!  I'm going to miss the moment!"  Poor dad.  He's always had the unfortunate task of trying to calm me down from whatever emotional high I happened to be on in life.  But he's always been a calming presence.  And I can say that there isn't another person in the world I would have wanted to be holding onto in those moments other than my dad...

Jon and Tucker arrived at the doors at the end of the aisle and they pulled them open at a soft and lovely portion of the music.  Dad and I began walking, bouquet at my waist and smiling.  Dad whispered to me again, "how are we doing on pace?  Is this okay?"  I sneakily whispered back, "a little faster".  We sped up a tad.  All I could think about was getting to the end of the aisle by the time the song ended.  We needed to hurry.  But, in those last moments of panic about half way down the aisle, I looked around and saw 125 people who I loved dearly.  There they were, smiling at me and looking lovely.  Some had tears in their eyes.  And that's when dad and I slowed our pace.  All the people I loved and cared for so much had come to see Dave and I get married.  They were all here!  And as I looked forward to the end of the aisle, there he was, waiting for me.  With tears in both our eyes, we looked at each other and smiled.  I was trying so hard not to cry (I couldn't have my makeup messed up!) but I was completely overcome with joy and love and relief.  The song ended at just the right moment and Pastor Ted led my dad in giving me away...

The Ceremony...

Dave and I stood at the steps holding hands as we listened to Pastor Ted give examples of what it meant to lay down your life for one another and how important the forgiveness of Christ would be in our marriage.  He rightly accused me of having tee-peed the Haggard house once for our high school homecoming week.  He talked about what a strong man Dave was and how we perfectly complimented one another.  We both listened intently to what he was saying and when he asked us if we were willing to take each other as husband and wife, we each said "I do".  The rings, vows and communion followed, all of which were beautiful and deeply meaningful.  Those were such sweet moments.  Nothing mattered at that point outside of taking Dave to be my husband and feeling so incredibly secure in becoming his wife.  That alter was a stress-free, worry-free, care-free zone where we pledged our love and our lives to each other.  

The Reception...

We arrived in a swanky 1950's car complete with a red carpet and a driver that looked like Jack Nicholson!  We waited in the entry way with our bridal party as everyone took their seats and the band began to play the grand entrance tune.  Each couple was introduced and walked through the crowd and up to the top level of the room where they made a lovely background for our first dance :)  The room was complete with custom lighting design and a huge "Ashlee and David" light gobo splashed across a giant white wall, table linens, black chivari chairs and napkins, floral centerpieces dimly lit with candelabras, a professional wait staff, a live 11 piece big band, and all of our friends and family.  It was beautiful!  But as I waited for Dave and I to be introduced, I noticed the overhead lights of the room were still on which was creating too much light in the room and the band was taking longer than expected to introduce the wedding party.  "Hmmm", I thought, "Where is Robin?  I need to tell her to turn the lights off".   We made our way to the dance floor for our first dance which we had choreographed in dance lessons prior to the wedding!  We danced to "Unforgettable" and it was lovely :)  Dave and I were a little nervous about the dance but once we got started, we had so much fun with it.  He dipped me at the end and held me down there until I was tapping on his back to let me up!  :)  As the toasts began just before dinner, we noticed that there was  sound issue.  The acoustics in the building were great!...if you were singing in a choir from the top step :-\  Unfortunately the guests towards the back couldn't hear the toasts which broke my heart because both our father's and friends had very sweet, heartfelt things to say to us and this was the only moment they'd have to make toasts like this.  I just wanted to yell "Everyone stop talking!  My dad is speaking!!!"  But Dave and I heard them and we deeply appreciated every word. 

Dinner was wonderful.  We got to talk to most of our guests and do a little bit of dancing (not as much as we wanted; after all, we had spent a couple hundred dollars on 5 sessions of dance lessons).  As the evening rolled on, I looked outside and saw that snow was starting to fall.  Uh oh.  It was about an hour before we planned to leave (we had to get more dancing in!) as guests started trickling out to get a head start on the snowy trip home.  We heard reports that roads were getting icy.  It became clear very quickly that we needed to make the decision to end the celebration early so that our guests could make it home safely.  With disappointment heavy on my heart, I slipped on my custom bridal wrap and prepared to run out into the snow.  When we made our way to the front doors, we saw a tunnel of sparklers and huge snow flakes waiting for us to run through!!  We dashed through the line, smiling for pictures along the way, and jumped into the car.  I rolled the window down to wave to everyone and yell "we love you!" as we pulled away.  It turned out to be a beautiful ending to the evening :)  

The Rest...

As we endured the snowy drive to The Broadmoor Hotel, we reflected on the evening and special moments that stuck in our minds.  And though there were so many unforgettable, monumental moments, there were also disappointments that I was not prepared for.  I went into my wedding day with certain expectations and when some of those expectations were not met or were destroyed altogether, the sense of joy I felt was rivaled only by a sense of disappointment.  And that is when I realized that there was a lot that everyone kept telling me about what to expect on my wedding day.  But there was even more that no one told me about what to expect.  And ultimately I've come to learn through experience that there are many myths about what a wedding day actually is; what it feels like to go through it.

I've started this blog to share my own story in a very honest and open way and to debunk some of these wedding and marriage myths.  I want to clear the the canvas of "wedding expectations" and paint a more realistic picture of what to expect because if I knew then what I know now, I could have taken steps to better prepare myself which would have left me feeling a lot less confused and abnormal.  I'm convinced it doesn't have to be this way!  Girls don't have to feel overwhelmed and as let down as I did in the moments and days and weeks following their wedding.  

So stayed tuned to this blog as I cover topics ranging from dress shopping myths to honeymoon myths to myths about being a wife through the day in and the day out.  I'll bring my personal stories in as well as the stories of brides from ages 23 to 73.  

This is the ultimate "REAL WEDDINGS" blog :)